Optometrist Wanted: $$$, Great career prospects

By: Luka | August 7th, 2009

I lied. The career prospects are woeful. In the unlikely event that you do find employment with us, you’d probably be sacked within weeks anyway. Plus the money on offer is on par with working as a street doctor offering to remove lungs and insert gills (who needs lungs anyway when you have gills?).

Of course, there is a method to the above madness, in the form of AFF coach Robert Johansson admitting after the surprising (unsurprising to some) shambolic loss to Norrkoping that “I have players who are colour blind in the squad. They played the ball to the wrong colour.” He’s being serious too – so serious in fact that he was forced to replace central midfielder Andi Toompuu midway through the first half because, by the player’s own admission, he was just as likely to pass to a Norrkoping player than to one of his own teammates. Ok, so not only does the centre of our midfield lack enough potency and struggles to take control of games, forcing us to rely far too much on our wingers, the personnel forming it have trouble deciphering what to do at traffic lights.

*Picture: Norrkoping’s home jersey. Assyriska was countering this with sky-blue jerseys and white shorts, hence the confusion. Only Assyrians I tell you.

In a further twist, and with no apparent relationship to the aforementioned events, Assyriska decided to return for the second half with red shirts! Hoorah. Sanity prevails. Now we can concentrate on winning the game (it was already 3-0 by this point). Turns out we then went on to continue losing the match until Eddie Moussa added a wonderful consolation goal just before the referee ended our misery with the delightful sound of his whistle. Unfortunately (fortunately) there are no available highlights of the match anywhere on the world-wide-web at this time. As such, I’ll summarise Assyriska’s performance as thus: dire. Daniel Bamburg was the man of the match for Noprrkoping, having a hand in 4 goals. The reaction from our Zelge fans was mixed – some philosophical about promotion still being a year or so away, some demanding the coach’s head, and others like me at least asking why the problem in the centre of the park is not being addressed.

In any case, bring on Mjallby. Assyriska Until We Die!